Baby Steps

Well check me out! Two posts now...I'm on a roll!

This journey is so interesting. I wish I would have started this journal on my day 1 of sobriety. I never planned on quitting for good, I just wanted to stop for two weeks to "give my body a break" and then go from there. I marked the days off on the dry erase calendar hanging in our kitchen and would proudly announce my day count when I realized I had gone more than two weeks. Two turned into three and things still felt good. I really didn't feel pressure or fear because I felt like it was just a break...something I was making myself do and that I would have a better handle on my drinking after the break. I truly felt that I could pick the drinking back up and would have somehow learned how to moderate during that alcohol hiatus. Funny. Something changed though...just a small change. I didn't make a big announcement or commitment, but I just wanted to keep going without the alcohol a little longer. I was feeling good about myself and wanted to keep that going. I also think I was scared that my plan to moderate would fail miserably and I would be right back where I started. I wasn't quite ready to jump back into that place. Not yet anyway.

I attended my first night out with a large group of girlfriends about a month into my alcohol break and had butterflies and horrible nerves all week. I knew what I was going to do, but I couldn't imagine what it would look like. How am I going to sit and socialize with everyone without a drink in my hand, without a buzz?? Will I be boring? Will I be awkward? Will everyone ask me a million questions? I was excited and terrified all at the same time. I made sure I spent a little extra time getting ready and left feeling pretty good about myself. It only took about 15 minutes into the evening before someone asked. I just brushed it off casually with "oh, I'm just not drinking tonight" and moved onto something else. A few others asked and I handled it the same way. Towards the end of the night when the party had moved from the restaurant to a swanky little bar, one of my good friends said, "Ok, now you're a drinker, what's going on???" She was a bit tipsy and I guess I felt safe enough to give her the cliff note version of my little experiment. I told her that I just wanted to take a break from drinking because I can't seem to moderate and I end up drinking way more than I ever planned. I told her how I felt like other people (including her) could have fun on our night out, maybe even have one too many but wouldn't touch alcohol again until the next time we were all out. For our group, that could be in a month or even two. I told her that if I drank with the group that night, it would only be the beginning for me. I would go home and quite possibly drink more, feel like crap the next day, but be ready to go at it again once it was the right time of the day and even if my hangover was still lingering. She had supportive things to say and said it was great that I was noticing that about myself and deciding to make changes.

I remember having a great time that night...a really great time. I had great conversations, laughed until I had tears, and drank water like it was no one's business! And the bonus...I drove home safely, I remembered the night, I didn't say anything or do anything stupid, I woke up feeling fabulous and was able to get the family together to head to church. I felt like I was on cloud nine. More like the pink cloud as I've learned from all my research on sobriety. The pink cloud refers to the time in early sobriety when everything feels positive. You feel like you've finally done something to free yourself of your addiction and you're almost in a state of euphoria. The pink cloud is dangerous because you sometimes can get so wrapped up in the great feeling that you forget to do all the things necessary to continue on the path necessary for sobriety. 

I got a message from a friend of mine the next day and she told me about the Booze Free Brigade. She and I didn't talk about my drinking the night before but she noticed I wasn't drinking and thought I would benefit. She is someone I've known since my junior high school years and we've had our share (and many other's share) of crazy alcohol induced fun. I can honestly say that her message started me on the next phase of this journey. I guess I felt alone in this and while I wasn't scared or really ashamed, I didn't know what my plan was. Was I still just taking a break? Did I have a problem? When would I start drinking again? Up to this point, it just felt like a good health decision to take a break. But after joining the BFB group and then being introduced to The Bubble Hour podcast, it became very clear to me that I was by no means alone. There were women out there with my exact story! Women would speak on The Bubble Hour and I would find myself nodding in agreement at every detail of their fall into alcoholism. This was the point when I truly realized that I had a problem and my break really wasn't just a break...it was far more serious. I was the women I was reading about and listening to. I was them...they were me. The fun little pink cloud quickly disappeared and fear took its place.