Today is my birthday. And not just any birthday. My first sober birthday in the last 16 years. Although, I'm sure I had several pre-legal booze-filled birthdays. I spent the day doing normal Saturday activities...gym with the hubs, post-workout smoothies, a few odds and ends around the house, and then off to get my nails done. (a rare treat for me!)
Later in the day I ended up being blind folded in the car and taken to a great friend's house where tons of my friends and their kids were there to celebrate my birthday. It was such a surprise! After the hugs and laughter about how I didn't know about the secret, reality set in. Wait...hold on...I'm at a party. It's a party, and it's a house party. There was something different about a house party. The way everyone ended up completely comfortable, usually sitting around a table laughing or hanging out on the couch. Someone always ended up dancing which resulted in more laughter, more drinking.
I did some of my best drinking and had some of my craziest nights at house parties in the past.
So...this felt scary to say the least. People were drinking around me and only a handful of them know about my decision with alcohol. It seemed like everywhere I looked there was a wine glass or champagne flute in my eyesight. The feelings I had about the drinks is so hard to describe. I don't know, at least I don't think I ever really wanted to pick up a drink, but I had mini-conversations with myself every time I saw a drink. What would it be like to drink that? How would that feel? Man, I bet that would taste good! No fair, why does she get to have a drink and I can't? Did I mention I turned 37 today? I guess "no fair" is one that never gets old. I had that conversation with myself all in the span of about 2 seconds. And then it was done. I was laughing, talking, or taking pictures and not at all thinking about drinking.
I've heard on multiple Bubble Hour podcasts to "think through the drink" which means you should stop and think all about that drink and why you want it and even more, what happens if you actually take a drink. I did that at one quiet moment during the party. What would this party look like for me if I was drinking? I would have started with one innocent glass of wine, but that one drink would start a chain of events that would undoubtedly leave me feeling incredibly sick and guilty in the morning. I also looked around and realized that I would be the only one drinking that way. One drink was NEVER enough for me. I would have had a glass of wine, which would end up being 5 or 6 glasses, possibly made a fool of myself at the party in front of friends and my children, possibly ended up having a ridiculous argument with my husband, and then would have passed out. Happy Birthday!
But I didn't. Today I didn't drink. And guess what? I didn't die! It didn't kill me not to pick up a drink. Was it a challenge? Absolutely! But I KNOW it's worth it. For me and for my family. We left the party, laughed on the way home, ordered take-out, and now I'm in bed typing this as my two boys sleep in bed with me. I asked for everyone to sleep with me tonight but my husband said there was no way he would get any sleep with a 3 and 13 year old in the bed!
So, another year older and so grateful that I've come this far and have been able to stick with this. I pray every day for the strength to keep it up.
Goodnight!
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