Happy Birthday to me...

Today is my birthday. And not just any birthday. My first sober birthday in the last 16 years. Although, I'm sure I had several pre-legal booze-filled birthdays. I spent the day doing normal Saturday activities...gym with the hubs, post-workout smoothies, a few odds and ends around the house, and then off to get my nails done. (a rare treat for me!)

Later in the day I ended up being blind folded in the car and taken to a great friend's house where tons of my friends and their kids were there to celebrate my birthday. It was such a surprise! After the hugs and laughter about how I didn't know about the secret, reality set in. Wait...hold on...I'm at a party. It's a party, and it's a house party. There was something different about a house party. The way everyone ended up completely comfortable, usually sitting around a table laughing or hanging out on the couch. Someone always ended up dancing which resulted in more laughter, more drinking.
I did some of my best drinking and had some of my craziest nights at house parties in the past.

So...this felt scary to say the least. People were drinking around me and only a handful of them know about my decision with alcohol. It seemed like everywhere I looked there was a wine glass or champagne flute in my eyesight. The feelings I had about the drinks is so hard to describe. I don't know, at least I don't think I ever really wanted to pick up a drink, but I had mini-conversations with myself every time I saw a drink. What would it be like to drink that? How would that feel? Man, I bet that would taste good! No fair, why does she get to have a drink and I can't? Did  I mention I turned 37 today? I guess "no fair" is one that never gets old. I had that conversation with myself all in the span of about 2 seconds. And then it was done. I was laughing, talking, or taking pictures and not at all thinking about drinking.

I've heard on multiple Bubble Hour podcasts to "think through the drink" which means you should stop and think all about that drink and why you want it and even more, what happens if you actually take a drink. I did that at one quiet moment during the party. What would this party look like for me if I was drinking? I would have started with one innocent glass of wine, but that one drink would start a chain of events that would undoubtedly leave me feeling incredibly sick and guilty in the morning. I also looked around and realized that I would be the only one drinking that way. One drink was NEVER enough for me. I would have had a glass of wine, which would end up being 5 or 6 glasses, possibly made a fool of myself at the party in front of friends and my children, possibly ended up having a ridiculous argument with my husband, and then would have passed out. Happy Birthday!

But I didn't. Today I didn't drink. And guess what? I didn't die! It didn't kill me not to pick up a drink. Was it a challenge? Absolutely! But I KNOW it's worth it. For me and for my family. We left the party, laughed on the way home, ordered take-out, and now I'm in bed typing this as my two boys sleep in bed with me. I asked for everyone to sleep with me tonight but my husband said there was no way he would get any sleep with a 3 and 13 year old in the bed!

So, another year older and so grateful that I've come this far and have been able to stick with this. I pray every day for the strength to keep it up.

Goodnight!

Baby Steps

Well check me out! Two posts now...I'm on a roll!

This journey is so interesting. I wish I would have started this journal on my day 1 of sobriety. I never planned on quitting for good, I just wanted to stop for two weeks to "give my body a break" and then go from there. I marked the days off on the dry erase calendar hanging in our kitchen and would proudly announce my day count when I realized I had gone more than two weeks. Two turned into three and things still felt good. I really didn't feel pressure or fear because I felt like it was just a break...something I was making myself do and that I would have a better handle on my drinking after the break. I truly felt that I could pick the drinking back up and would have somehow learned how to moderate during that alcohol hiatus. Funny. Something changed though...just a small change. I didn't make a big announcement or commitment, but I just wanted to keep going without the alcohol a little longer. I was feeling good about myself and wanted to keep that going. I also think I was scared that my plan to moderate would fail miserably and I would be right back where I started. I wasn't quite ready to jump back into that place. Not yet anyway.

I attended my first night out with a large group of girlfriends about a month into my alcohol break and had butterflies and horrible nerves all week. I knew what I was going to do, but I couldn't imagine what it would look like. How am I going to sit and socialize with everyone without a drink in my hand, without a buzz?? Will I be boring? Will I be awkward? Will everyone ask me a million questions? I was excited and terrified all at the same time. I made sure I spent a little extra time getting ready and left feeling pretty good about myself. It only took about 15 minutes into the evening before someone asked. I just brushed it off casually with "oh, I'm just not drinking tonight" and moved onto something else. A few others asked and I handled it the same way. Towards the end of the night when the party had moved from the restaurant to a swanky little bar, one of my good friends said, "Ok, now you're a drinker, what's going on???" She was a bit tipsy and I guess I felt safe enough to give her the cliff note version of my little experiment. I told her that I just wanted to take a break from drinking because I can't seem to moderate and I end up drinking way more than I ever planned. I told her how I felt like other people (including her) could have fun on our night out, maybe even have one too many but wouldn't touch alcohol again until the next time we were all out. For our group, that could be in a month or even two. I told her that if I drank with the group that night, it would only be the beginning for me. I would go home and quite possibly drink more, feel like crap the next day, but be ready to go at it again once it was the right time of the day and even if my hangover was still lingering. She had supportive things to say and said it was great that I was noticing that about myself and deciding to make changes.

I remember having a great time that night...a really great time. I had great conversations, laughed until I had tears, and drank water like it was no one's business! And the bonus...I drove home safely, I remembered the night, I didn't say anything or do anything stupid, I woke up feeling fabulous and was able to get the family together to head to church. I felt like I was on cloud nine. More like the pink cloud as I've learned from all my research on sobriety. The pink cloud refers to the time in early sobriety when everything feels positive. You feel like you've finally done something to free yourself of your addiction and you're almost in a state of euphoria. The pink cloud is dangerous because you sometimes can get so wrapped up in the great feeling that you forget to do all the things necessary to continue on the path necessary for sobriety. 

I got a message from a friend of mine the next day and she told me about the Booze Free Brigade. She and I didn't talk about my drinking the night before but she noticed I wasn't drinking and thought I would benefit. She is someone I've known since my junior high school years and we've had our share (and many other's share) of crazy alcohol induced fun. I can honestly say that her message started me on the next phase of this journey. I guess I felt alone in this and while I wasn't scared or really ashamed, I didn't know what my plan was. Was I still just taking a break? Did I have a problem? When would I start drinking again? Up to this point, it just felt like a good health decision to take a break. But after joining the BFB group and then being introduced to The Bubble Hour podcast, it became very clear to me that I was by no means alone. There were women out there with my exact story! Women would speak on The Bubble Hour and I would find myself nodding in agreement at every detail of their fall into alcoholism. This was the point when I truly realized that I had a problem and my break really wasn't just a break...it was far more serious. I was the women I was reading about and listening to. I was them...they were me. The fun little pink cloud quickly disappeared and fear took its place. 

Here we go...

Ok, so here goes. I've never done anything like this before. Correction...I've actually done this ALL my life. I've been writing in a diary since October 17, 1985 when I was 8 years old. I actually found that adorable little diary the other day in our office. It's covered in brown velvet and has a barely visible horse on the front. My first entry was telling all about the school book fair purchases I made that day (riveting). What followed were years of entries covering all kinds of intriguing topics such as friends, boys, first kisses, break-ups (friends as well as boys) and all things teen angst can cover! Almost 29 years later and I've started and stopped more journals than I can count. I start off with such great intentions. I am the keeper of memories in our circle of friends, the picture taker, the videographer, able to pull up a picture of a wonderful time we all had at a moment's notice. I've always wanted to hold onto memories. My journal writing always started with such enthusiasm, but always fizzled out. I would either pick the journal up again years later and write something about how I can't believe I haven't written in so long and then catch up on all the new details of my life or I would find another beautiful journal at a store and start the entire process over again.
 
Blogging is uncharted territory for me. Am I naïve to think that this will be different? I hope not. I'm always on the computer and lately have had so much to write about. I can definitely type way faster than I can write so maybe this will stick. Correction...this will stick. I hope to be able to look back at this blog being able to see this incredible journey I started on and was able to come out on the other side.
 
So without further ado, let's just dive right in!
 
Today is my 69th day without a drink. There it is. Am I an alcoholic? I struggle with that title. A part of me understands that I can't control or moderate my intake of alcohol so I must be right? Another part of me still feels that an alcoholic is someone sitting on the side of the road with a bottle in a brown bag having lost everything they love to the drink. I also know that that stigma is just so completely false and is exactly why there is so much shame associated with the word alcoholic. Here's what I know...

• I drank everyday
• I drank wine and lots of it
• I could easily drink a small bottle by myself in one night
• I loved Chardonnay but would drink red if it was there
• I drank when I was happy
• I drank when I was sad
• I drank when I was angry
• I drank when I was celebrating
• I drank because it was Tuesday night
• I drank with friends
• I drank alone
• I stayed up late watching tv and drinking - often times falling asleep on the couch (me time, you know)
• My evening mom "duties" like homework help, making lunches, cooking dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. were so much easier because, "at least I had a buzz"
• I forgot conversations I had with my children the night before
• I drove my children home from friend's homes after drinking and am beyond ashamed to admit that I don't remember some of those drives home
• Even feeling that shame and swearing I would never do that again, I would once again find myself in the same situation, and hating myself in the morning
• I hated myself most mornings

So...there's that. I guess when I put it down like that in a fun little list, it's hard to argue with the fact that I just might be an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcohol abuser. I can't moderate my drinking. I make rules for my drinking and break them. I drink alcoholically. When it comes down to it, I really don't care what my title is. I care that I have finally decided that I cannot drink anymore and have now gone 69 days without a drink. I can do this. This is so hard and possibly the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm so strong and determined and I CAN DO THIS. I MUST do this.