Here we go...

Ok, so here goes. I've never done anything like this before. Correction...I've actually done this ALL my life. I've been writing in a diary since October 17, 1985 when I was 8 years old. I actually found that adorable little diary the other day in our office. It's covered in brown velvet and has a barely visible horse on the front. My first entry was telling all about the school book fair purchases I made that day (riveting). What followed were years of entries covering all kinds of intriguing topics such as friends, boys, first kisses, break-ups (friends as well as boys) and all things teen angst can cover! Almost 29 years later and I've started and stopped more journals than I can count. I start off with such great intentions. I am the keeper of memories in our circle of friends, the picture taker, the videographer, able to pull up a picture of a wonderful time we all had at a moment's notice. I've always wanted to hold onto memories. My journal writing always started with such enthusiasm, but always fizzled out. I would either pick the journal up again years later and write something about how I can't believe I haven't written in so long and then catch up on all the new details of my life or I would find another beautiful journal at a store and start the entire process over again.
 
Blogging is uncharted territory for me. Am I naïve to think that this will be different? I hope not. I'm always on the computer and lately have had so much to write about. I can definitely type way faster than I can write so maybe this will stick. Correction...this will stick. I hope to be able to look back at this blog being able to see this incredible journey I started on and was able to come out on the other side.
 
So without further ado, let's just dive right in!
 
Today is my 69th day without a drink. There it is. Am I an alcoholic? I struggle with that title. A part of me understands that I can't control or moderate my intake of alcohol so I must be right? Another part of me still feels that an alcoholic is someone sitting on the side of the road with a bottle in a brown bag having lost everything they love to the drink. I also know that that stigma is just so completely false and is exactly why there is so much shame associated with the word alcoholic. Here's what I know...

• I drank everyday
• I drank wine and lots of it
• I could easily drink a small bottle by myself in one night
• I loved Chardonnay but would drink red if it was there
• I drank when I was happy
• I drank when I was sad
• I drank when I was angry
• I drank when I was celebrating
• I drank because it was Tuesday night
• I drank with friends
• I drank alone
• I stayed up late watching tv and drinking - often times falling asleep on the couch (me time, you know)
• My evening mom "duties" like homework help, making lunches, cooking dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. were so much easier because, "at least I had a buzz"
• I forgot conversations I had with my children the night before
• I drove my children home from friend's homes after drinking and am beyond ashamed to admit that I don't remember some of those drives home
• Even feeling that shame and swearing I would never do that again, I would once again find myself in the same situation, and hating myself in the morning
• I hated myself most mornings

So...there's that. I guess when I put it down like that in a fun little list, it's hard to argue with the fact that I just might be an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcohol abuser. I can't moderate my drinking. I make rules for my drinking and break them. I drink alcoholically. When it comes down to it, I really don't care what my title is. I care that I have finally decided that I cannot drink anymore and have now gone 69 days without a drink. I can do this. This is so hard and possibly the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm so strong and determined and I CAN DO THIS. I MUST do this.